If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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