Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
