Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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