Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
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