She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
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This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
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You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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