I CAN MOONWALK!
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
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