Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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