It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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