let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
