I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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