sarcasm needs its own font
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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