a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
