Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Randomize
