I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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