I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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