You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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