watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
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I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
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I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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