I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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