i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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