it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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