Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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