I think im going to throw up on grandma
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
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