They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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