no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
