you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
