had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
