Cold hands, warm shart.
I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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