U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
So vagazzling was a success
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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