I'm lost and stupid without you.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Randomize
