She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
