I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
