I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
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Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
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Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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