i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
