I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
