Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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