We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
