After last night, I could never be a politician.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
