The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
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i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
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He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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