You don't have asthma, your pregnant
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
