I'm jealous of your bromance
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
