I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
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