just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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