Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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