dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
