Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
