The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
