I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
