And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
