if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
now i know why i became what i already was.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
