I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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