Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
