i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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