Already got asked if we're dating
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
