so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
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She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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